I did not write anything the last days. I was quite busy but now i really want to write more again.
It is really strange. When i arrived yesterday evening in my hotel and did my sports, had something for dinner all i was thinking about was to change my clothes to female looking. A bra, a slip, a pink short rock, a nice red shirt, a brown wig, my favorite high heels, black, with 10cm. I felt so good.
So i spent the evening in my favorite clothes and all i wanted was to be this way the whole time.
I actually thinking about to go to a therapist and i'm thinking about how to contact her. In my dreams i wrote her a few impressions of what i feel, of what i am looking for. And her reaction that she offers me an appointment.
The next thing is how this appointment will be. I have already a few ideas how this appointment will be and what i will say. But the very first thing is how i will dress myself that day as a woman.
In the last years i bought different sizes of silicon breasts and i really love the big ones, but i guess for such a appointment the smaller ones (size b) will be ok. But what would i wear? I've ordered yesterday a few leggings (pink, black), a few shirts. So i dreamed about wearing a pink shirt, my black leggings, a night blue rock and black high heels but with a low heel. I dreamed about doing a perfect decent make up and a red brown wig. I would look really good and i would love me the way i look.
So i went to the therapists, being really nervous. Then i would enter the door, saying to the receptionist that i have an appointment.
After a short while i would call out and enter the room and i would become more nervous. Then i would say hi and just starting a short story of my life. How i found out my female side, how i feel when i starting to wear female clothes, my first coming out as a woman in public. And that in the last month the feeling that something changed grew up, this waves which became stronger. My thoughts about playing a role as a man. I already mentioned that i do not feel so well playing this role. I would tell her everything about this feelings to play a wrong role, that deep in my soul in my heart i want to be just the one who i really am. That i dream and want to be a woman, just being myself.
But that i'm afraid of the reaction of my family, friends, customers, my whole life. I guess nobody knows about this side of me.
We would talking about options, about possibilities to live with my female and male side. About what transition would mean for me, for my life. When i lay in my bed in the morning and thinking about this this would be fantastic, that would be everything i am looking for. Her reaction would be that she understands my fears but there will be always a way to find the way to the real ego, if it is female or male. She would suggest that after she heard the whole story that i am a real candidate for transition. That she would recommend me to test to live as a woman for 12 month and then if i feel that i am really happy as a woman i should continue this way. And she strongly recommend to meet each other regularly.
But then i realize that it is easier to dream about but maybe it is just an illusion.
It is just a freaky situation.
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