Monday, March 31, 2014

Feelings and its meaning

Feelings and its meaning

I already mentioned that i found two very kind persons here and we started a discussion about feelings, demands, options and more. I just want to present this and add some own remarks on this. I really appreciate if you dear reader, will share your thoughts and write a comment. I assure that i will answer them.

But first of all i just want to write about something else.

I quite often ask myself what this feeling means to feel like a woman, like a man. There are a lot of different explanations, hints, stereotypes etc. but the question is what does it make to feel me as a woman? Is it just to dress up as a woman? No i do not think so. There must be more. We all have stereotypes. My first approach is something i've read in an answer by Heather in a blog and this is absolutely something which i think it fits.

I already wrote about this nice habit to watch women very closely, to study their behavior, their beauty. and then i just say i just wanna be like them. But what does this means in reality? nobody could be someone else. But sometimes i just dream i would be ellen barking in the movie switch. i really love this movie and when i first watched this movie i was fascinated by the story and Ellen Barkin. This blond beauty. And then i just thought what would it mean if this happen to me. Would it be wonderful, would it be like a dream come true?

A further thought. there is a part in the musical dance of the vampires in which Sarah sings that she dreams to be a woman. How often i heard this song and i love it.

Just wonderful dreams. I love the beauty and i take over this beauty to me, to my desire to be a woman.

Maybe it is confusing, it is so confusing for me as well to sort out all this thoughts, this dreams, this illusions, this demands, this pain, the logical thinking.

I know that i ask questions i only can answer for myself, but what does this feelings really mean to me?

I just think about the options i have. and actually i have to decide which of the options i will follow. Just now i identified

- keep it as it is in secret
- integrate few female traits to my characteristic and wear whenever it possible female underwear & crossdressing when i am alone
- live a few days in the year as a woman like this trans woman weekend in may and cross dress as much as possible
- change my wardrobe to more unisex and check the limits
- transition as the last option to be one with myself?

I know that can only be a part of potential options but it helps me to identify what i really want.

Are there other options?

What do you think about my current situation? Are you in the same situation as i am? or have you been in the same situation as i am just now and how did you decide? And are you happy with this decision?

But there is one thing which makes me thinking. Usually my female side comes in waves, for 2 or three weeks and then everything is fine again. it is like that my male side keeps my female side under control. But this time it is so different. My female side just does not want to be taken under control. Just the opposite. I have the feeling that my female side, my true identity wants to repress my male side. This is sometimes very strange. I do not like my hairs on the body so i shaved my legs, my breasts etc. When i go to the restroom i sit down at anytime. It is just that i am not identify with some of my male bodes characteristics and i want to get rid of them. I really love the feeling of nylons on my skin, it is a wonderful feeling.

I'm really curious about how this will continue, what happens next. Sometimes i just wish that everything goes back to my normal male life, but i think this is too late. I have to accept that my female identity is a part of me, a very important part of me and i have to find a way between being male and being female.

But back to the original question: what does it really means to be a woman? it is quite easy to say yes, you have to fill the typical cliches, dress like a woman, behave like a woman. hmm, sounds nice, bit it isn't an answer which satisfied me.

Ok going deeper:

there are some social traits which are linked typically to woman or typically to man. If you are looking for typical female traits you just work with cliches.

I just found a very interesting list of traits in the net:

WORDS COMMONLY USED TO DESCRIBE FEMININITY

dependent --> not me
emotional --> yes absolutely
passive --> not at all
sensitive --> yes i am
quiet --> sometimes
graceful --> yes indeed
innocent --> yes
weak -->sometimes
flirtatious --> sometimes
nurturing --> yes
self-critical --> yes
soft --> yes
sexually submissive
accepting --> yes
touchy --> yes

WORDS COMMONLY USED TO DESCRIBE MASCULINITY

independent --> yes
non-emotional --> no way
aggressive --> no way
tough-skinned --> no way
competitive --> sometimes
clumsy --> not at all
experienced --> yes
strong --> sometimes
active --> yes
self-confident --> yes
hard --> no not at all
sexually aggressive
rebellious -> yes
loud --> no

Clearly, society’s categories for what is masculine and feminine are unrealistic. They may not capture how we truly feel, how we behave, or how we define ourselves. All men have some so-called feminine traits, and all women have some so-called masculine traits. And we may show different traits at different times. Our cultures teach women and men to be the opposite of each other in many ways. The truth is that we are more alike than different.

Androgyny
People who express masculine and feminine traits equally are sometimes called androgynous. Among androgynous people, neither masculine nor feminine traits dominate.


So the result is as i expected i have a few female and a few male traits..great..what does it tell me?

it is just that i identify with female traits more than typical male traits. Sometimes i think this typical male traits are ridiculous. And i don't want them.

it is already late again and i have to go to my bed. I will write more tomorrow and will come back to the comments by Jack and a few further email thoughts i had which i like to share.

Have a great time

Simone

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