Tuesday, April 8, 2014

the first contact to a therapist

As promised the email i wrote to this therapist. I needed all my courage to write this email, but i am absolutely sure that this is the only correct way.

So here we go:

I contact you, because i need you help, to clarify who i am and what i really want.

Already for 20 years i have the feeling that something is different with me. In the very first time it was just the desire, to wear woman clothes. I bought a lot in the internet and i liked to wear them. St this time i did not have any problem to be a man, i felt as a man that time. I just thought it is something strange, but ok. It is just rarely and therefore ok. I really don't thought in detail about it, i just defined me as a occasional cross dresser.
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Bit at some point i made the expierence that there is more. My female side wanted tp present herself and wanted more to dress. So i went shopping and started to enjoy wearing high heels, corsetts and silicin breats. At this time i started my first go outs as a woman. I really liked iz and so i tokk every opportunity to dress as a womam and spend time as a woman.

And as the time went by i realized that my female side became stronger and demanded more attention. I realized that my female side wanted to be a part of my life and wanted to present more.

I tried to surpress it more or less and it was ok in the beginning. My male side tried to convince my female side on a logical way,to set limits to my female side, but it was not successful in the long run, it happened just the opposite.

I got used of it that my female side comes in waves, but the waves came stronger over the years. I noticed that my female side is much stronger now and has a strong impact on my life as a man, for instance i do not like the man's typical hair grow all over the body. If i take a closer look to typical male traits i try to deny them and try to be as much as i can not to be typical male. So i gave up to fight my female side, but i learned to accept her, which wasn't quite easy. Meanwhile i really like my female side, just one reason is that i can be so different to typical mans behavoir in the daily life.

I noticed that i became more sensitive and emotional.

In the last weeks i realized that the demand grew to go out as a woman. I just feel that my male side is just like a role i play but i am not really happy playing this role.


Now the question is what does it mean for me more and more, how i deal with it, which possibilities i have. Can i really live with a frustrated man's ego? Will be there some point, at which my internal demand to be a woman is so strong that my male side gives up?

I asked myself more often in the last time what it would mean for me just to lve only as a woman? My male side says it is nonsense, you have a great job, a family, which is really a family and friends, who i really like. Do i really want to give up for just an illusion? My female identity says please free me, i am your truely identity, but on the other hand my female identiy is scared about how my family and friends will react.

Does it make any sense? Can you help me dealing with it? What can i do?

It is now longer than i expected, but my thoughts just wanted to be written down.



This was the email i sent to the therapist and i was really a bit nervous about what the reaction will be. I thought about that she will say come on, listen to your male side. But from my point of view it wasn't very likely. In my dreams i just had another feeling. That she understands me and will confirm what i'm thinking about. I dreamed about having an appointment with her. I thought about what i would wear that day. I thought about how this appointment will be. Right in the beginning i will tell her about my feelings, about my desires, about my doubts and how happy i actually feel when i can dress me like a woman and go out. She would understand this and will tell me that from her point of view i am a transgender and she would recommend a therapy to check if my desire my demand fits in reality and that it would be the best to do a one year therapy with the goal to find out if i can live as a woman as i want and will help me with the coming outs. She would recommend to contact a psychologist to be a part of this process.

When i woke up i just said to myself this would be great.

..to be continued....

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